Harry Potter and the Alleged Time Traveler
by Chirishman
Summary: Harry Potter goes crazy and thinks that he is a time traveler from the future come back to change a horrible future by reliving his childhood. Inspired by Make A Wish, Harry Potter and the Nightmares of Futures Past and way too little sleep.
1. Dursleys and Dementia

**Harry Potter and the Alleged Time Traveler**

By Chirishman

Chapter the First

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I am a fan of JK Rowling-sama and her work and am not attempting to either usurp her work or to make a profit off of this story. In my experience reading fanfiction has heightened my desire to know more about a fandom and has spurred me to pursue series that I previously had no interest in such as Naruto.

It was a sweltering summer night at the Dursleys. Harry felt it especially keenly seeing as his was the only unair-conditioned room at number four Privet drive. As he listened to the buzz of his tiny two pound fan and contemplated the ceiling, he began to contemplate his life and how things had gone so far wrong. He eventually concluded that he must have been a Dark Lord in a previous life and was now paying for his misdeeds. Abruptly Errol crashed through his open window and upset his fan. This triggered a chain of events that he could only make sense of in retrospect. First the letter that Errol was carrying fell and was shredded by the fan. Next there were a series of clicks and metallic rasping followed by door to his bedroom flying open.

"I'm going to **kill** you _boy_!" raged Vernon Dursley, waving a sawed off shotgun in Harry's face.

As he stared down the double barrels of the massive shotgun something in Harry's mind snapped. He had been pushed over the edge and there wasn't going to be any stopping him now.

Now the human mind is a wonderfully potent and complex thing. Nature created a device all on it's own that is capable of surpassing any computer built to date. Oddly, the human mind is often at it's most potent when it is slightly unhinged. This batty genius is evident both in Albus Dumbledore and in Albert Einstein. Harry's mind had snapped in a very peculiar way. He now believed that he was a time traveler from the future and thus knew many spells that he had not yet learned and could predict events before they happened. Harry's subconscious mind held a great deal of information that Harry's conscious mind did not, such as the entire contents of an English to Latin dictionary, however Harry's insanity brought his conscious and subconscious closer together and allowed Harry's cracked conscious mind to use that information.

Harry smiled at the filthy pig. "You'll be dead before this night is out," and then proceeded to fulfill his own prophesy by attacking Vernon and in doing so canceled the blood magic protecting number four Privet drive from Voldemort, who immediately apparated onto the front lawn because he obviously had nothing better to be doing than constantly scrying for Harry's location. Harry gestured at the front lawn with his wand which he had pulled from nowhere, "Behold your demise pig!"

Vernon trembled "Aren't you going to call you freaky friends boy?"

"Oh there's no need for that," said Harry calmly as he pulled the shotgun from Vernon's nerveless fingers, conjured as strap and slung the gun over his back, "I'll deal with them. But first I think I'll let them have some fun with you, you fat xenophobic freak."

Harry pointed his wand at Vernon "Funis!" Ropes shot out and bound Vernon up. "Now it's time for some _fun_." He said and levitated Vernon out the window. "Bye bye now Vernikins! Play nice with the other children!" he said cheerily and cut the spell.

Vernon fell with a bellow and landed on top of Voldemort with a huge crash, much like the sound of a blue whale and a bowl of petunias hitting the surface of a desolate and allegedly abandoned planet.

'Hm' thought Harry, 'Petunias. I feel like I've forgotten something. Ah yes, I have yet to deal with my 'Aunt''.

"Oh Auntieeeeee," Harry called in a sing song voice, "come out and plaaaay! Accio bitch!"

Petunia shrieked as she flew out of her bed, down the hall and towards Harry at mach speed. Thump. Harry had taken two steps to the left and Petunia had become acquainted with the wall of Harry's room.

"**Phasma," Harry said and Petunia phased half way through the wall. "Finite Incantatum."**

**Petunia's tortured scream drew respectful looks from Deatheaters.**

**Harry walked calmly into Dudley's room, ignoring the gibbering pig for the moment and calmly looked Petunia in the eyes. Petunia meanwhile was beating frantically at the wall bisecting her torso in terror.**

**"Stipes"**

**Petunia's arms became wood.**

**"Did you think that you were done my African stink flower? We still have so much more fun left! Incende!"**

**Petunias arms began to burn slowly. They burned like true wood but Petunia felt the same pain as if they were still flesh.**

**"I just love the smell of napalm in the morning." Harry quipped as he turned to Dudley. "Now what to do with you? I could complete your transformation into a pig, but that would be old. I know! I'll use my Mad Martial Arts Skillz to hit your uncontrollable explosive defecation point! Then I can burn all of the toilet paper!"**

**10 minutes of stench and burning paper later Harry exits the house and waves cheerily at the Deatheaters.**

**"Sorry chaps, I don't have time to play today. Too much to do. Places to be, people to kill, Horse Races and sports games to bet on." Harry said dismissively over his shoulder, "Have fun. Oh and animadverto" and he disappeared with a quiet "aveho."**

AN: New and improved, now with definitions!

Funis means ropes. I used this instead of the incarceris spell because Harry is using Latin because he is insane.

**Phasma means ghost.**

**Stipes means "log" or wood.**

I used **incende instead of incendis because it is more grammatically correct. It has the connotation of ordering something to burn instead of just saying 'to burn'.**

**The uncontrollable defecation point is a nod to a very good fic, the name of which escapes me. I think it was a multi cross with Ranma and maybe Sailor Moon…..Hm…**

animadverto means "to turn the mind to" and acts sort of as a muggle attracting charm. This is another shot at the Dursleys as what they want most is to conceal any strangeness from their neighbors.

**Aveho means "to move" and once again reflects Harry's subconscious use of his one time skim of a Latin to English dictionary.**

10 points and a cookie for each reference you spot.

I hope that everyone knows what xenophobic means. If not shame on you.


	2. Alleged Marriage

**Harry Potter and the Alleged Time Traveler**

By Chirishman

Chapter the First

Disclaimer: I wonder why I never feel completely healthy. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with my daily offerings to the metallic god of everything that is tasty and horrible for me.

"Hm," though Harry, "Even though I'm magic and know everything, like how to make stuff, I think I'll waste some money in Diagon Alley. It doesn't matter that Diagon Alley has been destroyed in the future, I still know the location of shops that I didn't even know existed while I was in school. I know, I'll demand to see a vault that I shouldn't know about yet. Then I'll find a shop full of one of a kind trunks like Moody has, that everyone would have if such a shop actually existed."

On the way from beating up a goblin until he _created_ a hereditary Potter vault full of gold, Harry met Luna who was in Diagon Ally all alone for no reason whatsoever.

"Hello Luna," Harry called, "I'm from the future where we got married and you're dead. I'm going to go cry over it later but for now, let's snog and then find somewhere to fuck because I'm married to your future self even though you don't really know me at all yet."

"Certainly Harry, but do you mind if my Longsnouted Queeble comes along? He's quite curious about human copulation. His species reproduces only by magically aided asexual division and he doesn't quite see how reproduction could be fun."

"Why certainly Luna," said Harry, "You know that I love helping you edify magical creatures, even though you don't know me yet."

"That certainly was a very hot and kinky love scene Harry" said Luna.

"Yes it was," said Harry, "I especially liked the bit with the lime jello and the swing, but we don't have time for another round or we won't have time to finish shopping before a huge event occurs which I'm causing a temporal paradox by telling you about."

"Oh Harry, you silly boy. Don't you know that Time Travel is best used for extra sleep and unsaying bad pickup lines?"

"Never mind that now Luna, even though I can redo that time spell, I don't want to miss any important events and have to be really stressed about getting every little thing right. Also, I've used up all of the 'sane person' minutes on my current Time Travel plan and if I don't go give them some angst they'll start charging me power and portions of my memory. Why don't you go do the shopping while I curl up in this corner and cry about dead people who aren't dead anymore instead of working to keep them from dying again."

"You have fun with that Harry, but next time you should really pay for the Dimensional Traveler plan. They never have those problems."

"Hello Harry, done already?" asked Luna dreamily?

"Actually Luna I'm not Harry, I'm his father who Harry has somehow brought forward in time. Note the swagger." Said Harry, "I've not got time for conversation right now though, I have to go unlock the Potter family ancestral home that was never mentioned in the books. It makes sense that it exists even though it would have been a better place to hide than Godric's Hollow because of it's inherent wards which no one ever can breach but Voldemort will in three seconds if he ever finds the house."

"But won't it be infested with house elf eating spiders by now? You should call an exterminator first."

"No, no my silly daughter in law (I know that even though no one has told me)." Scoffed Harry, "I'm sure it will be in perfect condition, not even dusty. It might even contain a portrait of myself and Lilly flower for Harry to talk to when I go back to the past to die."

"Oh Harry," Luna said, "are you back from your angsting now"

"Yes Luna, and you know what puzzles me? During every angst session that I have when I come back to the past I always angst over the morality of wooing my wife. Whether of using knowledge of her to attract her or cheating on my dead wife with her younger self. But I never worry about myself being a pedophiliac. I mean think about it. Mentally I'm 40 and I'm seducing a 14 year old." Harry pondered.

"Shut up and kiss me you great useless snorknack or I'll set Mr. Black on you." Said Luna. "Oh wait, wrong fic."

"I guess I can't argue with that logic."

AN: Warning, this author is Lazy. Note the capitol L. I am to lazy people what Jiraya is to perverts. I'm the Happosai of lazy. The Ataru Moruboshi. Again this is another half chap.

Also, NEW AND IMPROVED! Chapter 1, now second half and definitions of the Latin words!


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